Clarinets!

"The Clarinet, also called 'Death by long black stick', is a woodwind torture device used in the band. The clarinet relies on small, thin pieces of wood called 'reeds', which break more often than they actually play. Recently, the clarinet has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is one of the manliest of all musical instruments, even though Asian males are usually the most talented players. But all clarinet players rock and are badasses. Especially girl clarinet players: they are the life of any band."
-Uncyclopedia.

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